While I was determined to not write about my sadness on this blog, I feel I cannot help it. For the rest of my life, I will always have moments of extreme sadness because of losing my child. It hit me today when I viewed the video mantage I made for Andy for Father's Day. I looked at it and realized that Andy never even held his daughter until she was gone. That makes me so sad, but something I wasn't aware of at the time. That is how selfless he is. He let me hold her for her entire life. Will and I were watching the mantage together and of course, I got teary. He asked me what was wrong. I told him that I missed Sylvi because I would never get to see her again until I get to Heaven. He told me "I miss Sylvi too, mommy." I believe he does and I believe he remembers who she is. I just pray that he never experiences this extreme sadness. I do fear that he will always feel that something is missing in his life. That is my reality. Sylvia is missing and she will always be missing. Some days I just am not satisfied with that "She's with you in spirit." I feel like M'Lynn in Steel Magnolias when she's standing at Shelby's casket. I'm sorry, but I'd rather have her here on Earth with me. Maybe that is selfish since she's ever happy where she is, but I think any bereaved parent would agree with me. And no one who hasn't been in the situation can ever really empathize with you. I'm telling you that it is just unimaginable...Period...
Okay, now I'm going to try to get off that tangent. Andy just shared a great quote about Dubuque with me. Charles M. Robinson, secretary of some park and art association, said "I have never seen a place where the Almighty has done more and mankind less, than Dubuque." Maybe Dubuque is Heaven on Earth! :)
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