I was featured in the Telegraph Herald yesterday (9/29/10). It was an article about SHARE group, what it is and how it has helped me. It also highlighted our fearless leader, Betty, who began the group 20 years ago. Betty has been an OB nurse for like 50 years now--she's in her 80's and now works about an hour a day or so I think. She gives new parents a little "orientaiton" on babies and a reference book now. She reminds me of my mom a little--an older nurse with boundless energy always helping people. When the author asked me why I still attend, I replied very simply and quickly--"Because there I am Sylvia's mom." Passers-by on the street, very distant relatives, new neigbors--none of them know this unless I make a point to tell them. They'll never see her running around with me. I mourn that. It isn't so much the past that haunts me anymore, but the hopelessness for the future--never giving Sylvia a birthday party (and don't tell me I can make her a cake or send her a balloon to heaven yadda yadda), never observing her preschool class, never seeing her army crawl, never planning her wedding with her, never taking her shoe shopping.. Anyhow, I believe that article did some good. Lots of people have told me they saw it at least. I never told anyone the article was being written. The nameless girl behind the counter at the gym today told me she saw the article. I told her a little about Sylvia then she shared that she lost 2 babies--one full term little girl and one at about 3 months gestation. We got to talking. Needless to say, I did a mini workout today as I was on my lunch break and I'll take any opportunity given to talk about Sylvia. She shared her story with me. By the end of the conversation, she was writing down times of SHARE meetings. She had held this in so long not telling many people about it and said it was time to talk about it. She couldn't keep it bottled in anymore. I now know her name is Lisa and she too is a bereaved mother loving and missing her babies endlessly. Andy's Great Aunt Lois has also contacted me via Facebook! God love her--in her 80's and totally hip on Facebook! Back when we went to visit where Sylvia would take her final rest, I was so disturbed by the damn baby coffin size burner heater they had on her "spot" to thaw the Earth that I took a little walk all around Babyland to calm myself a little. I stumbled across a very special little angel, Marianne Houselog. Besides resting about 100 yards from her great grandparents, I realized Sylvia would be buried by her baby angel cousin. It brought me a little peace or at least I realized that this was the perfect resting spot for her. Anyhow, Lois shared Marianne's story with me and how she went through it--how very cold and lonely it was not even being allowed to talk about it. I cannot imagine. I just cannot imagine. I would have been admitted to the mental ward for sure! Lois--If you ever see this, you are a hero of mine. I hope we can catch a cup of coffee sometime. We don't need to dwell in our grief, but we will always share that bond as all bereaved mothers do. Like me, Lois thinks of her angel all the time still..
We are having a SHARE walk on Sunday at Mt. Olivet Cemetery. I look forward to it. The weather looks like it will be nice. This week Will has been talking about Sylvia also. He always tells me that first he came out of my tummy then Sylvi then Stella. A couple days ago he told me that Sylvi died and was with God. He looked at her pictures with me. He pointed to a picture of her ultrasound--a closeup of her face--and said "She died in this picture." Funny how the photo he thinks of as death is the picture that is life--one of the few living pictures we have of her. He called the cemetery "God's Place." That it is I guess! How I wish we wouldn't have a need to have these conversations. And Stella, I think she sees her sister peeking in on her from time to time. She looks over my shoulder all the time smiling at what to me appears to be nothing. I think to her that it is definetly "something." I imagine the girls are giggling at each other as sisters do...
We continue to do well. Will and I planted some crocuses (croci??) in Sylvi's garden. They will be the first hope in the spring peeking through the snow. I hope so at least--I never trust bulbs will actually turn out but they have thus far! The boys camped in our tent in the back yard last night. Stel and I went for some retail therapy!
We hope all of you are well!