Surviving the Holidays

Well, we did it. We survived these major holidays without Sylvia here on Earth with us. It was hard, but we did it. There were definitely times of sadness, but there was also happiness. Will LOVED Christmas this year. He really "got it" this year. He understood Santa, presents and a bit about Jesus... When he woke up on Christmas morning, the first thing he asked was "Can I see if Santa ate the cookies we left him?" He could open presents on his own. He was our joy in this Christmas season. Were it not for him, Andy and I may have headed to some place warm and shunned the holidays. I can't say I was much in the spirit for the holidays, but Will sure was. Of course he did wear off on me a little in the end!
I couldn't help but think that I SHOULD have a 10-month old here with me. She should have been at all the family get-togethers collecting oohs and aahs from others because I am quite positive she would have been an absolute doll. She was a beautiful baby from the beginning. I wish she could have worn her beautiful Christmas dress that I bought her after Christmas last year. I thank those that mentioned her, asked how we are doing and memorialized Sylvia. You didn't dance around it afraid that you may upset us. Thank you for that. While it is hard to talk about the loss of Sylvia sometimes, the simple mentioning of her name is music to my ears. My sister-in-law, Katie, stopped unexpected on Christmas Eve Day to talk about Sylvia a bit and bring me some special gifts that helped me get through the holidays. She gave us a beautiful S-shaped ornament decorated like a Christmas cookie. This meant a lot coming from her because while Katie hasn't lost a child, she understands great grief and loss from her own life. Grandma Houselog also bought Sylvia an ornament for St. Nick's day that I selected. I wrote about that one in an earlier post. It is the "sleep in heavenly peace" sleeping angel one. The stocking that hangs at Grandma and Grandpa Haag's for Sylvia is beautiful. It is a white quilted stocking with an embroidered pink angel and her name. There were even items in her stocking. The beautiful locket Christmas ornament from my sister Julie (Sylvia's godmother)--gorgeous. I cried as soon as I saw it. It is engraved with her name. Her picture will also go in it. A beautiful verse also adorns it. Sylvia's godparents are the best! Her godfather (my brother Brian) and his family also gave us a special Christmas ornament with a beautiful depiction of Jesus rocking a baby at the time of Sylvia's passing. Then he and his talented family put together a special song for Sylvia. It was written before Sylvia was born with a happy ending. However, when she died, his girls helped him to change the ending. <**Sidebar: On the night of Feb. 26, Brian dreamt of Sylvia or so this is who we believe he saw in his dream. She was a pre-teen or early teen shouting to get our attention seemingly to tell us she's okay. Apparently she looked a lot like my sister, Lynda, which is funny because I thought she had Lynda's hair color--reddish brown. I believe she chose him to visit because I wasn't ready at that time and she knows I would believe him.**> Anyhow, back to the song... It is called "Godchild." They recorded it in a music studio. They gave a copy to each family and sent some back to Dubuque for me to distribute to Andy's side also. How sweet! Andy and I took a drive to listen to it. I just couldn't hear it in a big group setting. I already knew it was beautiful and quite personal. It was beyond beautiful though. Words can't describe it. It took my breath away from the first notes played on the piano. I knew the tears would roll. They did. They were tears of sadness, joy and true love. I will always wish things would have turned out differently--that Sylvia would have lived, but it does bring me peace thinking of her as singing, dancing, laughing and doing everything she wants in heaven with none of the pains of this earthly life.
I was ready to say goodbye to 2009 because of all the pain it has brought this year. But, it is hard for me to say it the worst year of my life because it is the only year I had her living in my arms if even for a short while... I do hope 2010 brings me a happy ending with this pregnancy. I can't tell you how ready and willing I am to have my rainbow! I absolutely can't wait to me him/her, but I do hope he/she stays "cooking" until 2/22. The big spurts of lung development including producing the much needed surfactant happens from about 36 weeks onward if I remember correctly.
I'm filled with many mixed emotions these last weeks of pregnancy. I am so excited for a happy ending I can hardly stand it. I'm also scared beyond belief at the worst possible outcome--death of another baby. This can happen to anyone without notice. I don't think moms that haven't lost babies think about this though. I know I didn't with Will. It didn't even dawn on me that something could go wrong with him. I'm older and wiser and a bit tainted now I guess in the eyes of being optimistic about the outcome of a pregancy. Man do I love this baby though!
I'm going to close with my Christmas card quote..."Do not cry because it is over; smile because it happened." That is my 2009 in a nutshell, but it was VERY VERY hard but we are better because of it...because of Sylvia and the lessons she brought us...
Happy 2010!

Love,
Beth