A year ago today is when our world turned upside down. I remember it all so clearly. I left work early to make our late afternoon ultrasound. It was just supposed to be a routine 32-week ultrasound to check weight as I was gestational diabetic. We brought Will along. The room was dim. I was laying on the table. Will said "Night night mommy." He thought I was gong to bed! He saw the baby on the screen. He giggled. The ultrasound went well or so I thought. The sonographer didn't give us any inclination that something was wrong. Then came the doctor visit. He came in and said Sylvia's size was looking good, but there was a possible problem--CONGENITAL DIAPHRAGMATIC HERNIA. He'd be sending us to Iowa City to check things out further with a level II ultrasound. "What is congenital diaphragmatic hernia?" I asked. He had no stats for me as he hadn't seen a case in 12 years. So, I called my brother-in-law who happens to be a cardiothorasic surgeon. He didn't know much about it. He'd heard of it and seen an adult survivor that was repaired so that led him to believe it was pretty repairable. Chris put in calls to some of the best peiatric surgeons in the country to discuss the case. I remember when he called and told me the survival rate is 50%. I was then finally able to get online where sadly I found the same results. Sylvia was officially diagnosed in Iowa City sometime the next week or week after. I can't remember the official date. However, I consider it January 9th as that's the day I just knew... I wished it wouldn't be true, but I think that deep down I knew it would be true.
I can honestly say that this last year hasn't brought me what I wished for. I so wanted Sylvia to live, but God just had other plans in store for my sweet angel. But, I resolved early on that I would learn lessons from Sylvia's death and from the CDH community. Here are a few life lessons I've learned..
1. I am not the master planner of my life that I thought I was. God is.
2. No matter how hard we pray, sometimes God doesn't give us the answer we want, but he does answer us in some way. I consider carrying Sylvia to term a blessing. I remember her as a beautiful fully formed baby. The five hours I had with Sylvia--a blessing I can never thank God for enough. Being chosen to be Sylvia's mom and brought into this "underground" community of angel/baby loss moms--another blessing.
3. Relax a little more and don't let the small stuff get to you. Until you're waiting for a doctor to tell you if your child will live or die, is there really a need to panic? I admit I'm still working on this, but I've come a long way and I think I'm doing great with this!
4. The love a mother has for her daughter--indescribable. If I knew the circumstances--that I would lose Sylvia so soon--I'd choose to do it all over again a thousand times. She is worth all the pain. She has also brought me so much peace and joy. Most often, I let the joy and peace outweigh the pain.
5. CDH angel moms are ALL wonderful and strong chicks! I'm proud to be part of this very elite group. Together via blogs, we've watched at least 10 more babies die of CDH this year and lent our words of support. We have a forever bond. I don't know of a circle quite like this one. Each new one I "meet" I feel a strong connection with. I know a big part of that is that our children died of the same problem. However, they all seem like people I'd be friends if I had the chance to meet them in different circumstances. Ladies--let's do that cruise someday--after all our rainbows are born!
6. Every life no matter how short leaves a lasting impression on this Earth. Sylvia's was a lesson of love. She taught us all to love like you'll never get hurt--love quickly and as hard as you can!
7. CDH needs more awareness and research. A 50-50 survival rate is unacceptable.
..I'm sure there are more, but I know I start zoning out when I read blog posts that are too long so I'm gonna bring this to a close.
Sylvia--I love you and miss you sooooo much! I do feel your presence in our lives. When I get up one of the several times in the night to use the restroom, sometimes I hear the windchimes. I know it is you talking to me. I hope you hear me as I whisper back to you..."Hello my sweet, I hear and feel you. I love you. Please watch over us." Mommy is feeling more at peace now. I know it is what you would want, my love. I am just so lucky to have been chosen to be your mommy. I'll always wish you were here, but I do feel some peace in that you are in an even better place--HEAVEN!! No tears, pain, grief...no bad things at all. That's how I picture our heaven at least. Breathe easy, Sweet Sylvi!
--Beth
Thinking of you and thank you for your sweet comment and can't wait to hear that your little one is here healthy!!
ReplyDeleteNicolle