Blue Christmas

I'll have a blue Christmas without you. I'll be so blue just thinkin' about you... This was Andy's facebook post tonight. He's always loved this song, but now it holds special and very sad meaning for him. Just after I typed in the post title, a commercial with the song came on the TV--an ad for cell phones I think...

I've read through a lot of baby loss mamas blogs tonight and all of them are struggling with the holidays. I am no exception. I'm dreading them. I'm really hoping that the anticipation will be worse than the actual day just like Thanksgiving. However, Christmas is such an "in your face" holiday. I can't escape all the First Christmas items in the store. How I wish I could buy some for my sweet daughter. I can't escape all the cute Christmas dresses without remembering--I have the Christmas dress I bought her last year that I wish I could dress her in instead of caressing it and wishing I could even just hold Sylvia. I wish I could have bought some special toys for her this year not for a little girl we bought for through our church's giving tree. I wish I didn't have to decorate her GRAVE this year. I wish she were here messing with the Christmas tree and gifts underneath. I wish she would feel and maybe even taste her first snow this year here on Earth with me and not in Heaven. I wish she were here... It doesn't bring me much peace knowing that I will never get to spend a Christmas with her. And I know that yes I'll get my time in heaven, but I'm her mommy and she's my daughter and I want her here with me. It's a hard week. I don't expect it to get any easier, but I do hope it does. Those tears and feelings I've held back for awhile are surfacing. By no means am I a "mess" or anything, but I do feel incredibly sad this week. I can't help it.. I don't think anyone that loses anyone they love especially their own child probably feels happy about their first holiday away from that person. It's just another reminder of a family event that my little one will never be a part of. Yes, I know she is there in spirit and that no one has forgotten her, but it will just never be the same for me knowing that she isn't there in person with us.


Here are another couple songs to check out on You Tube. The first is called "Christmas in Heaven." It states how the one left on Earth wishes the one in Heaven were here with them. The singer/writer wonders what Christmas in Heaven is like as do I.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YVE7H2QUD-U&feature=PlayList&p=829B9417924484E6&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=20
(Yes that one is three lines to copy and paste).
The next one is Blue Christmas by Elvis Presley (in honor of Andy)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lUyuGFoiWJ0
I wish I could figure out how to make it so you can just click on the video from my blog, but I'm not very tech-savy. If anyone knows how to do that, let me know. Until then, we'll stick with the copy and paste method :)