The Big 3-0

I turned 30 yesterday. It didn't bother me a bit. I don't get what the big hoopla over 30 is. Maybe I'll feel some of that at 40. I've heard that 30 is the new 20. Let's hope so. For the most part my 20's were a blast. 29 was my toughest year of life thus far. Let's leave that behind and have a great new decade. I hope I have the worst behind me. I so fear that I don't. I think all my angel mamas can feel my pain on that sentence.
So here is how my day went...I woke up a little early. Andy wished me a happy birthday and was off to work. He warned me of icy roads, which luckily were clear by the time I went to work. I then made myself some decaf and enjoyed a couple cups while Will was sleeping. Then I went up to get him. I told him it was my birthday and he sang, "Happy Birthday to Mommy!" He melted my heart as usual. Then we got ready for the day. I went to work. My birthday was announced on the loud speaker. Several residents and staff wished me a good birthday. I was sung to a couple times. My two staff even got me a cake, ice cream and presents. I'm glad they did the cake thing because Will asked Andy if they could make a cake. Andy told him that Connie and Judy would take care of that. So thanks to Connie and Judy! We took the residents to Village Inn for lunch so I had a yummy lunch. I tried something new--Huevos Rancheros. Not that I haven't had it before, just not at Village Inn. Then the rest of the work day ensued. I came home to special welcomes and songs from Andy and Will. We had Happy Joe's pizza for supper here in our home. Yum! Then we read Will some Christmas stories and did some search and find books with him. He's a little smartie pants! He makes me so proud! Then we just chilled for the rest of the night. I received several phone calls from my family. I fell asleep on the couch a little after 9pm--very normal for me. Went up to bed around 10:30pm. Just another special day in the Houselog Houselhold! :)
With December comes more holidays. I think knowing that we made it through Thanksgiving will help us get through the next ones. But, I also think we have a hurdle to jump with Christmas coming up. Just not feeling it this year... I've tried. Believe me that I've tried--decorated the tree, made some messy Christmas cookies, read Will Christmas stories, took light rides, I just don't feel like celebrating. How can my Christmases ever be complete without my daughter? The simple answer is this: They never will be. I still don't understand fully why she had to fly to Heaven, but I never will. I don't look forward to waking up Christmas morning without her. On the other hand, I have a vivacious 3-year-old Will who really seems into Christmas this year. He is so proud that he put the star on the top of the tree. He helped me wrap presents. He comments on the presents under the tree. He likes to watch Christmas cartoons. He is the reason that I WILL get up on Christmas morning. We are planning a quiet Christmas morning just the three of us with our one that flutters about always and one in my belly. We've decided to do Mass on Christmas Eve rather than Christmas morning this year--a welcome change in our tradition. This way we can lounge on Christmas morning. We'll have a special breakfast together. We'll also go "see" Sylvi.
On a better note, I find myself getting pretty pumped to have another baby. I feel sooooooo fat this time around though. I need to stop looking at the scale because it depresses me every time I step on it! I will start insulin injections tomorrow evening to get my fasting blood sugar under control. I'll take the extra weight to lose and gestational diabetes if I can just get a healthy living baby out of the deal! I admit openly to stress-eating, but I also bet that lots of women that have "subsequent pregnancies to loss" have some way they get through the stressfulness. Mine happened to be writing and eating. While I say and truly mean that I want a living baby, I do know that what will be will be and I really can't control my destiny. I just hope God has in His plan for me to have a baby that far outlives either of its parents this time around. I have the same prayer that I send up for Will and any future pregnancies (if we decide to have anymore). The fear of losing this baby also is very real. I don't think I have another ultrasound until about Feb. 5. After that, I'll rest a little easier or so I hope. It's the later ultrasounds where they seem to find something on my kids. I pray it isn't so this time. I just want a boring ultrasound. It seems surreal that I can actually have a living baby this time around even though I know it happened with Will. Will as an infant seems like ages ago. Let's hope this surreal-ness becomes real-ness to me pretty quickly. I love this baby as much as I love any of my children already. I would gladly exchange my life for theirs any time. I tried pleading for that with Sylvia, but God has something more in mind for my life. My mission isn't complete yet. She was just too perfect for this world and her mission was over early.
I've been contemplating starting another blog, but I just don't know. I want this blog to write about my family and our present life. However, our past makes us who we are. I feel a need to write about it--about Sylvia. I don't want her siblings every to view this and feel that her death has overshadowed their life. But, Sylvia is part of our family and does deserve to be part of houselogfamily.blogspot.com. In some ways I feel like writing about her is all I can give her in this life. I'm torn. Feel free to give me some input if you have any. I do feel like starting another blog would take even more time--time I don't feel like I have...
--Beth